I Think I’m a COVID Long-Hauler…You Might Be Too
Snuggled into comfy sweatpants with a tightly-woven pale blue beanie dipping just above my eyes, I slouched in one of the uncomfortably upright chairs that lined the urgent care waiting room. Packed into a space filled with sick strangers in a town I wasn’t familiar with, I kept staring at the sign taped to the front desk, warning about COVID-19 and overseas travel.
It was January — just the beginning of 2020. I was traveling at the time, but only in the United States, so the sign didn’t pertain to me. I had a few days of burgeoning symptoms before finally dragging myself to this clinic. I wasn’t sure what kind of illness I had, but something felt really wrong. Fever, chills, night sweats, dizziness, and a dream-like state of mind consumed me.
Unable to eat much, I forced down a smoothie and a few bites of a Starbucks bagel, none of which I could taste. I felt a heaviness in my chest. Every swallow was a feared feat because the lining of my throat felt like grout scrubbing bristles, and an uncontrollable cough reverberated through me like a goat hacking up a dry hairball.
After over an hour, someone with a clipboard called me back to an exam room, and I slowly followed them down the brightly lit hall of closed doors trying not to touch the walls. The doctor was in the room for all of two minutes and swiftly diagnosed me with a sinus infection. I’ve had my fair share of sinus infections — this was something else.
For good measure, his assistant swabbed me for a strep test — negative. So with an antibiotic script in hand, I picked up the essentials and hunkered down in my hotel room. Although I could barely stand, a slight reprieve came from warm steam. I leaned against the shower wall, putting my head on my forearm as the hot water pierced my back, thinking, you’re resting against a hotel shower wall. Cringe.
For a brief period, I thought the antibiotic was working as the sore throat dissipated, and the harshness of the symptoms decreased. Still, as the days dragged on, the cough, dizziness, fatigue, and body pains ebbed and flowed in severity.
A month and a half later, the world started shutting down, and COVID-19 became everyone’s center focus. In the back of my mind, the question was there, Do I have COVID? At the time, though, I felt like I was turning a corner. My throat no longer hurt, the cough was mostly gone, and no more night sweats. So why do I still feel so bad?
Usually, when you’re sick and feeling better, getting back into the daily routine helps. But not with this. Everything from laundry to grabbing groceries seemed like a daunting task that left me feeling overwhelmed and exhausted.
From my muscles to my joints, the body pains were so intense that my back would crumble after sitting upright for longer than a few minutes. In a car or at my desk, it all hurt. Even if it wasn’t painful, I couldn’t focus, my brain felt fuzzy, and forget mustering motivation to get off the couch. Who is this person? I’m in my 30’s (okay, late 30’s), and I’ve always been active and relatively healthy.
I haven’t yet heard anyone talk about one of the scariest things I experienced during this time, so I’m a little nervous about sharing. At night, I would jolt awake shortly after falling asleep to a shadowy figure at the base of my bed. I know how this sounds; hear me out, though.
The first time it happened, I was convinced someone had broken in. I fell out of bed, ran to the bathroom, and turned on the light. My heart was pounding as I peeked around the corner into my bedroom, looking for the intruder — no one. My overly protective dog’s curious head tilt seemed only concerned about my bizarre behavior, which made me realize it must have been a dream.
But this wasn’t a one-off nightmare; it kept happening. So much so that I started sleeping with the lights on. Searching for a Google diagnosis, I stumbled across sleep paralysis, which explained my shadowy figure phenomenon. Maybe this was a side effect of what I was going through, or maybe it wasn’t, but the timing aligned with all of these other symptoms.
After about seven months, I took the COVID-19 antibodies test, but it was only 60 percent effective and didn’t detect antibodies outside of three months after diagnosis. So I wasn’t surprised when the results came back negative.
Maybe 2020 is wearing on me? Perhaps I’m just getting old? But the more I read from people who had been diagnosed with COVID and experienced lingering symptoms, the more I was like, yes, yes, and YES. That’s exactly what I had. Yet, without knowing for sure, there’s a part of me that will always wonder.
Now, over ten months later, here we are, and while I mostly feel okay, I’m still not the person I was before this. I struggle with fatigue, the body aches are real, I have lingering chest pain, and my heart rate randomly spikes to the point where my Fitbit congratulates me on my fitness activity even when I’m molded to the couch.
My days are more manageable, so I feel grateful, yet many have lost their lives to this scary disease. To anyone who might be having a similar experience to mine, you’re not crazy, and there’s hope on the other side. Take it slower than you think you need to, allow time for breaks, and reward yourself for the simple things — even just going for a walk.
Every day I wake up and drag myself out of bed and try to do a little more. Some days I do less, and that’s okay.
